Notes By: A Broken Heart...

I hope you feel sad when you look in your heart    & see that I'm gone I hope you feel real bad    when you realize your heart beat is off;     wrong   I hope your chest grows tight    when you realize     you can't get me back    I hope your chest grows so tight     that you can't breath;      Asthma Attack     I hope you feel dumb      when you see the Pokémon       I got you      I hope you feel real stupid       when you see        the ring around Pikachu I hope you feel all the things I felt in the last 4 years   in one day I hope you feel...   on second thought, I'd never    want my heart to feel that way...

I tried to call    to make amends I tried to enter this with a clear mind    so not to offend & so I broke down    & texted u today No, not in an ill     nor malicious way Breakup to makeup   Right? We'd talk all day   into the night But hours passed    into a new day I checked my phone     & you have nothing to say & that's when it stopped    I could no longer think of a song to guide us through our hurts   & wrongs I dnt know what to do    what we need My pen bleeds out   on white concrete Fueled by our love    my pen slowly dies But I keep scratching   trying to write You've moved on, it's over    & my pen drops It's time to move on    when the poetry stops

I watch helplessly,    as Jack fulfilled your needs I watched on helplessly    bc it was one I couldn't meet Thinking our love was enough    I asked you to leave I begged for you to just stay    stay with me & you do    for a while I must say That is,    until you see Jose He leaves you bitter    with hate filled eyes slicing me with your words    & making me cry I beg & please     for you to leave them be I beg you to Look! See! Love,     it's ME! Though I beg you     to let them go I am no match     for Ernest & Julio & when I see you with Jim     I know your going 1-100; full throttle Over the yelling you don't hear my cries, Please Baby, stop choose me, put down the bottle.

I went through the five stages    of grief today    & it only took about thirty minutes out of my day I was seduced by denial    because I knew this was the end    I was rapidly getting angry so I started bargaining ...I'll do better or try something different ...    ...if this isn't the end...    my silent unanswered cries brought way to my depression I knew I had to stop fighting my tears    it hurt less when you did    so I took a deep breath, let them fall & just accepted it I went through all five stages    of grief today    & it was the longest most painful thirty minutes of my day...

It's been two, three, four days,    almost a week It's three fifteen a.m.     & I need another drink & a moment to think?    no, numb my mind I take a drink,    trying to erase time I can't say I feel guilty   about what was & I can't say you were thought of    my Love I only thought of me    in our lust filled game All the way up    until she came & then peacefully drifted    to sleep Leaving me up    to drink & wait for this moment    When all is dark; calm The moment when all is    silent; shalom Under the nights silent song    I sneak back into bed Sliding underneath the covers silently    I lay down my head I close my eyes     move close        & wrap my arms     around a ghost & I hold onto my love   promising to never part Head full of broken promises    & violations against both hearts I smell your hair   waiting for the sun to rise to bring with it unwanted clarity    & opened eyes     

I watched the Bad Girls Club Reunion   & it was nowhere near the same      I cried from beginning to the end   after accidentally calling your name Because the shit was sha-poppin    the shit was sha-bad        the shit left me crying,    lonely, sha-sad I watched the Bad Girls Club Reunion Part 1    & I'm not looking forward to next week       because I'm scared it'll just be Xero watching    Xero & sha-me 😢

Last night,    I sat staring at a bottle of pills Thinking of our misfortune,    & ill will I take out a pill as white smoke   drifts above my head I toss it back    & take a sip of Remy & Red. Feeling the burn I wonder,     Is it over? Are we really dead? The answer I was dying to drown     deep down in my head 4 blunts in, 7 pills down    Anymore drinks & ill be told to slow down Because in my eyes you see   the sorrow that I drown. Maybe I didn't love enough    Maybe I loved Love too much Maybe it wasn't love,     but four years of mistrust Whatever it was,     my heart had enough I have to erase you;    numb the feel So here's 8...9...    10...11 pills I need another blunt   to myself I think Tossing back more pills    I take another drink Cross faded    & sloppy drunk I rise Walking to my car    I know I shouldn't drive I get behind the wheel    start the car, let the sunroof back Ready to go I look to my righ

You said, “ You said you were thinking about me    when his tongue touched your lips You said you almost screamed my name     as he thrusts himself deep into your hips You said while you were with them     all you wanted was me As I slept in a car cold and alone    dreaming of our warm bed in our future happy home You said it was me