John's Letter to Jane

I'd seen and heard of multiple Dear John letters and letters bashing men. But, I hadn't really heard of a letter where a man got with a woman. I hadn't seen one when a man told a woman, check it, this is my shit and you the problem so deuces, and I am keeping my money.
And so I wrote...

John's Letter to Jane

Dear Jane,

 We've been in love for so long, there was a time I thought you could do no wrong.
 Wow, we've been together since high school. That's seven years and this relationship has been nothing but heartache and tears. And that ain't cool, I can't believe you tried to play me for a fool. All those times you snuck out while I was sleep. That's okay because what you sow, you reap.
 The problem is I just can't see our relationship getting any better and so that's why I am writing you this letter. Seven years, wow, that's been a long time. But now that's over it's time to discuss what's yours and mine. Don't get me wrong it's been real hard, but I've come up with this. You're the love of my life and you'll be deeply missed.
 So, the pictures of you and me, those you can keep. I don't need the memories. The phones are in my name. I know what a bummer, but cheer up you can keep the number. The ice on your wrist and around your neck I'm gone need back.
However, the jewelry box, you can have that. Okay, your clothes I guess I can let them go. But the rock on your finger, I don't think so. I'm gone have to keep that one, but cheer up I'm not taking everything honey bun. Now, I feel it's only fair that the dog stay here.
We know I'm no monster so here you are. Here's a bus pass because I'm keeping the cars. Just about now you're probably thinking, no he didn't. But yes, I did. Now moving on to the matter of the kids. Thos three. I know they love their mother, they need you and that's fine. That's also the reason I'm only asking for the two that are mine. I think that's it, I believe I'm done. And I feel this little separation will be a lot easier without your con.

          Love, John

P.S. Please hurry and don't sit around idle, because if you look closely, the house, well, that's name on the title.

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